The Annoyingly Capitalised “TNA Wrestling iMPACT”, on the Equally Infuriatingly Capitalised “iPhone”.

The few pos­i­tives first: graph­i­cally it’s basic, but com­pe­tent, and there’s a decent ros­ter selection.

The neg­a­tives are every­thing else.

There are things that are out and out miss­ing, like match com­men­tary, or pretty much any sound effect at all. There’s no in-match music, and I hope you like the first fif­teen sec­onds of the theme song as you’ll be, baf­flingly, hear­ing it on a ear-achingly annoy­ing loop in every menu, includ­ing the create-a-wrestler mode.

The oth­er­wise rea­son­able CAW mode hints at the other prob­lem with the game, as you select the two (yes, two, as in one more that one) moves that your wrestler can per­form in the nor­mal course of things. Two? C’mon, folks. I sup­pose it’s accu­rate for Hulk Hogan, but it’s lobot­o­mised for every­one else.

Things are no bet­ter in the ring, with no atmos­phere, slug­gish move­ment and super-dodgy tim­ing lead­ing to missed moves aplenty. Which, actu­ally, might not be a bad sim­u­la­tion of an actual TNA match, but it makes off a dis­as­trously poor video game.

Mar­vel at the num­ber of times you pon­der­ously attempt to stomp on some­one halfway through a stand­ing up ani­ma­tion. Won­der at the num­ber of times the AI decides the best thing to do is run away from you, off the ropes, and let you get a free drop kick in, which has such dodgy hit col­li­sion you can prac­ti­cally per­form on the other side of the ring and still see the other dude fall over. Thrill to DDT­ing a guy ten times in a row because, as Pulp teaches us, there’s noth­ing else to do.

We’re only scratch­ing the sur­face here, folks, but if you want to waste your cash on a cat­a­logue of dis­ap­point­ments then this is the game for you. This is an embar­rass­ment to all con­cerned, and I worry about the num­ber of 5 star reviews this had. They must be fraud­u­lent, as I can­not fathom the mind of any­one who could claim this is com­pe­tent, let alone enjoy­able. Even at the cur­rent sale price, it’s a total rip off.

Dread­ful.